Recollections

For the past 5 years I lived in the belief that I had no opportunities... Nowhere to develop, nowhere to grow, I lived and watched life pass me by as I was too shy and too tired to do anything. Maybe this is an exaggeration... I did many wonderful and challenging things like theatre that build my confidence and got me out of my comfort zone. I cherish those memories for sure but high school was certainly a dark place where I broke promises, neglected myself - my body & mind. I don’t wish to rewind time and live it all again...I really don't, one does not repeat the IB voluntarily. Those days however did give me a chance to see how bad my life was; not externally - for I am privileged but internally. Internally I was dying. There were mere hopes, sparks of energy and laughter but I wasn't at ease with myself... I always thought I don't fit in, that I’m always awkward and that I need help. I think the saddest part about this is that I still think those things; even months later I still don't think I’m good enough. It's really frustrating having to convince yourself every day that you can do this and that you're just as good as them. Its difficult not to compare and I don’t mean comparing my physicality but seeing how much better others are at making friends and being confident.

 Before uni I thought I can reinvent myself, become hotter, smarter or funnier but really none of that worked out at the end - or I should say the beginning. My mind wanted me to change but it wasn't an honest desire, only a fantasy that made me feel at peace for the moment. I believe you can become anything you want, I really do but you've got to have a plan, a direction, a part of your body that screams "change"... I thought my whole body screamed change yet I didn't. It was easy to remain in the same place, with the same worries and anger. I have to let go of the fear and understand that if not me, than who and if not now then when. 

 I don't know what this post is about, well it's definitely about me but I always struggle with just one theme or a set topic so I say everything and anything. Too many times I poison my body with food, neglect it by laziness, destroy my dreams with indifference, allow anxiety to infect my mind like an insect that feeds on doubt and most of all I bow down to fear as though its my master without the intention to conquer it... No more. No more of this fucking life. Tomorrow may have faults but far less than today. One small change after another and I’m leaving this toxic land. Bye.